The Process of Coping

What does it mean to cope? How do we handle grief?

I have had a pretty pain-free, tauma-free, easy life compared to most of the world. For that I am grateful and recognize my blessings. But I have endured heartbreak, loss, pain and suffering, loneliness and trying times - as has pretty much everyone in this life. My heartbreak, accompanied with loneliness as I forged a brand new life, took months to heal but it was straight forward pain that just took time. The loss of my grandparents was deeply sad and left a gaping hole but they had lived long, full lives and I was able to process my grief and sadness.

I am unable to share details now so I am going to attempt to write about my experience while being vague about the circumstances. I recently experienced a shocking trauma that I don’t know how to process. I witnessed something that I believe should not have happened. There is much in the world that is senseless tragedies and horrible events happen every day that I can’t explain. But it isn’t very often that you witness first hand a devastating event that just cannot be explained. In the past few days I have dealt with confusion, anger, and deep sadness that I have not known how to process. I have experienced “more sad” occurrences if you can measure sadness, but this is different. I am unfamiliar with the concept of coping with this sort of emotion.

I know this is extremely vague but I would venture to say that although you have no idea what sort of situation I am talking about, others can relate to not understanding how to cope with their thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I know there are many out there that have experienced a sense of confusion, discomfort and a sort of unrest, or an inner turmoil. How do you cope, heal, move forward when you cannot understand or process what you are even thinking or feeling?

I don’t have all the answers. I am full blown in the middle of this myself. But I am trying.

The first and simplest response I am working through with this, is recognizing that first I need Jesus. His “peace that transcends all understanding”(Phil 4:6) is ultimately the biggest key to coping. Because while I believe we need to do our own moves to work through healing, at the end of the day true peace comes from Jesus. To receive his peace we must continue in His word, His promises, and spend time in communion with Him.

After that we have our own work that we must do. Jesus provides us with tools in our lives and we are expected to work in addition to relying on Him. As I said, I don’t have all the answers. I am not a therapist, I have no education in this area but I can share what is currently helping me.

Take time with your emotions. Quietly sit and work through your thoughts. Journal, write. That is what I am doing right now… Let the pain, the anger, the confusion marinate. Allow yourself to immerse in it to recognize its there. I personally don’t think it means to continue to wallow in it for an extended period of time, but there needs to be a time frame where you recognize it is there and work through understanding how you feel to truly work towards healing. How can you really heal from something that you really don’t know what you’re healing from??

Contrastly from this, I think there is also a place for distraction too. Take time from your pain and your sorrow and do something fun and enjoyable. Make yourself laugh. Doing something to brighten your life does not take away from the pain you are experiencing - it doesn’t do an injustice to the sadness. Don’t feel guilty to feel a spark of joy in the midst of your suffering. Oscillate between focusing on your sorrow and distracting yourself with joyous activity.

In all of this, find ways to take care of yourself. Go outside, get fresh air, exercise, eat well but have a treat every now and then. If you need to talk to someone, talk; if you need solitude, be by yourself. Listen to music, get a pedicure, paint, journal, plan a vacation (for whenever we can go…), look at old pictures, go on a hike, play basketball, play the piano and sing… Me writing this right now is my way of trying to cope. Just try to avoid activities that will bring you down or fall into bad habits.

If you don’t know what to do, seek the wisdom of someone you can trust to give sound advice. Do what you need to do, just don’t bury and suppress the pain and sorrow, the confusion and anger. Work through the process, friend. It might be messy. It might feel like you’re not making progress. Be patient with yourself and don’t rush healing.

(Disclaimer: Again, I have no training or education in counseling, these are just my own thoughts. I fully recommend seeing a counselor!)